Living near Seattle I'm used to freeway traffic and the delicate art of merging. So after a long day of work which was extra special due to all the visiting corporate wonks in the office I felt that I could not possibly be forced to cook a meal. Off to Taco Bell we went. Here is where the saga begins.
We head for the border and all the cheesy fried goodness that awaits. I make the turn to get on to I-405. First you should know that I am a firm believer that during non-peak traffic times if you are merging onto the freeway you had better be at the speed limit by the time you hit the bottom of the ramp. The people that hit the bottom and merge onto the freeway going 45mph deserve any road-rage, middle fingers and honks that come their way.
Like I was saying, I make the turn onto 405, I can see off in the distance a UPS truck in the right lane...now this is not just the average brown panel truck this is a full on semi with not one but two trailers. Due to the extreme curvature of the ramp you really have to gun it on the straight of way to make sure that you hit the all important 60mph mark by time you hit the bottom. Feeling like Marty McFly trying to go Back to the Future. I finish the curve and stomp on the gas...alternately looking at the speedometer and looking in the rearview to keep track of the UPS truck. I'm about 2/3 of the way down the ramp and my speed is about 53mph...right on track to reach the holy of holy 60mph by the time I hit the bottom. I'm in great shape...the UPS truck is still about 2 or 3 car lengths behind me and as I continue to accelerate I'm increasing the distance.
Then...are you ready for this...the UPS truck guns it. I hear the rev of the huge engine, like a freight train...I look in my rearview mirror and sure enough he is right on top of me. I look down at the speedometer I'm flying at 66mph. I look in front of me and I'm running out of lane....FAST!! In one of those movie moments when time slows down and everything happens in slow motion..which made perfect sense since I was already channeling Michael J. Fox....I yell in ultra slow motion....Fuuuu$#%^*#$(%^(#kkkkk....exactly like Ralphie when he shot his eye out.
I slam on the brakes as this behemouth freakin truck goes barrelling by...think the opening scene of Star Wars with the Star Destroyer. So after an eternity the truck passes and I fall in behind. Naturally this pisses me off and jump over in the left lane...also you must know that this was non-peak traffic time and the left lane was wide open the UPS could have jumped over there at any time. So I jump over there and pass the UPS truck that nearly caused our death and dismemberment. Naturally once I pass him I get back in the right lane and reduce my speed to 50mph causing the truck to slow and making him FINALLY go into the left lane as if to pass me. Then just has he is about even with my back bumper I hit the gas so he can not pass me. He then gets back in the right lane behind me. As I approach my exit I slow back down so that he can clearly see me...I roll down the window stick out my arm and flip him the bird with all the anger I can emote from a single extended digit. Gives a whole new meaning to "What can brown do for you?" I'll tell you what brown can do for you.....almost make you go brown in your pants....yeah try to send that overnight!
After recovering from that nightmare it only gets worse once we get to Taco Bell. I order two steak quesedillas and the drive-thru worker repeats back to me 2 chicken quesedillas. I say no 2 steak...he says 1 steak, 1 chicken. NO TWO STEAK, NO CHICKEN. So you want 2 steak and a chicken...NO TWO STEAKS. Then he says how many chicken...I say ZERO and then are you ready for this...he says are you sure? What the....??? Am I sure....what the hell??? Yeah I'm freakin sure I'm placing the damn order.
So here's the cherry on the shit sundae that this quick trip to Taco Bell had become. After being burned in many a drive-thru we always check our order before leaving the parking lot....but not like those annoying people that do it while still sitting at the window and take all freakin day and you can see your food sitting getting cold while they're rummaging through their bag. We pull out of the drive-thru area making way for the next customer, but always...always check before leaving the parking lot. So Chuck is checking the bag and says damn it, pull in they forgot my chalupas. You can imagine that after the quesedilla incident and the near death by UPS it does not bode well for the Taco Bell staff.
Chuck storms into the Taco Bell...I stayed in the car for the safety of those in the restaruant...which if you think about it was probably not a good ideas since my fuse is about 3000 times longer than Chuck's, but whatever. So he's gone for a few minutes and comes back out and says "okay let's go" all like he's in a hurry. I have this crazy thought that he was so pissed he robbed the joint or something....but no. Come to find out....the damn chalupas were in the bag the whole time!!!
Not only did we almost die on the freeway then almost strangle the Taco Bell guy we end up looking like the big jack asses. The next time Yo quierro Taco Bell....Just Say NO!!
Long story short......I hate Chicken!!!
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4 comments:
That is the most awesome thing I've read in my entire life. I think it's even better for because I know Chuck and I can see how red is face must have been.
BTW, when did you get all agressive with the road rage? I've never seen you go past verbal hostility. But I loved it. Posts like that make me want to lick your glasses.
Should have read "better for ME". LAughing too damn hard to typoe properlieee.
OK, I'm a total sucka, I just keep coming back to this and reading it over and over and laughing like a maniac.
oooo...good luck with the dentist. sorry to hear it. Try to get lots of free whitening stuff...my dentist is always good for that.
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