New Rules

I didn't write these...although for the most part I agree...this was an e-mail forward I received from a co-worker. So to avoid any acusations of plagerism if, by chance, the actual auther of these rules happens to read this post - PROPS TO YOU!! On a personal note to those who read this, as far as the Angry Mo is concerned, these rules are retroactive to January 1 and I expect them to be followed accordingly...please and thanks...enjoy! Oh yes...any personal thoughts will be designated by : [AM: presonal thought]

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're just pictures of athletic looking young men. [AM: And that's a bad thing???]

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole. [AM: I live in Seattle...I'm surrounded by ass holes]

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. [AM: And what about bottled water in general...how many kinds do we need, there are entire aisles of this crap too. More than likely it is tap water filtered to taste like nothing, and do we really need to have the nutritional information on the label?? Calories - 0, Fat - 0, Sodium - 0, blah blah - 0...UH NO SHIT...it's water! If anyone even begins to tell me they can taste a difference...see the previous rule about Starbucks...you too are a huge asshole.]

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. [AM: I don't know about this one...I've had an Amazon wishlist for about 4 years running and it's worked out pretty well come Christmas time]

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. [AM: I agree...after 12 months just respond in years. Although if I ask you I care :-) ]